Welcome to the Art of Flourishing, a mental health and trauma recovery podcast. I'm your host, Christina Ali, a licensed mental health counselor and owner of Flourish Counseling Co. We're so glad you decided to tune in today, so let's get started.
All right. So today we are going to be talking about three boundary styles. Boundaries are something that I definitely go over a lot in session because it impacts every relationship that we have, whether that's romantic, familial, personal friendships, it impacts every type of relationship. So we will go through the three basic boundary styles, and we'll go through some of the corrections for each boundary style.
All right, let's hop in.
So the first boundary style that we're going to review is what I call rigid boundaries and rigid boundaries, especially as it relates to trauma, can definitely develop in response to kind of people pulling on you too much or feeling like you need some version of protection. So let's go through what is a rigid boundary, how do those develop, and how do we eventually correct those?
Okay, so a rigid boundary is something where if you have Uh, a person, I want you to imagine a person with a circle around them that is impenetrable. It is essentially that statement of, I am an island and somebody that has rigid boundaries really doesn't know how to appropriately or comfortably let somebody in or appropriately and, um, in a balanced way, let them in.
Support out, they would prefer to self regulate and manage their own emotions, just kind of cocoon and mind their business. Sometimes the reports for those who have rigid boundaries tend to be that over time that can feel very lonely because there is this sense of people not really knowing or understanding who you are at a very vulnerable level.
And that's largely due to, again, That boundary style being highly protective. As I mentioned a bit earlier, sometimes those boundary styles are developed in response to somebody who has had a lack of boundaries in their life, or maybe they didn't have somebody protecting them or showing them how to protect themselves early on.
And so it either became, I have zero protection or I take care of myself fully by creating this massive barrier to connection. I would rather at least have my piece that's more maintainable and that is more doable for me. So some examples of this might be those who have learned to kind of keep their head low, but sometimes that avoid an attachment can accompany that rigid boundary style, just because we kind of have that.
Head ducked low. They're going into work. They're coming home. They're not really prioritizing vulnerability and connection in relationship. And again, you know, that rigid boundary style is a form of predictability. It's a form of control. It is a form of protection. And so, yeah, it's not that you have to stay stuck in that.
But, Acknowledging that in some way, shape, or form over time that you have developed rigid boundaries is so important that you own that. It is so important that you identify that because only through identification and ownership can we truly begin to make change. Change. So awareness is everything. The first step is really acknowledging that your boundary style is rigid, because I always love saying this.
If you acknowledge your part in the problem, you acknowledge your part in the solution, because We're essentially saying, Hey, I am, I am taking part in this, let's say, disconnection in this relationship, and therefore I am empowered to now, through owning my part of the problem, take my part of the solution.
It's not going to be all your problem in a relationship. It's not going to be all your solution, but you can take control and responsibility of your half. So. Again, identification is everything. So that is a summary of our rigid boundary style, and that will serve us today as we talk about the other two boundary styles.
So as we're looking at the second type of boundary, we are going to call that a porous boundary. And much like. Like you've probably guessed, a porous boundary means there are too many holes. There's too many things going out. There's too many things coming in. People's opinions, people's expectations of you, people's demands of your time, your energy, or your effort.
And. Conversely, we're giving too much of ourselves, we're offering too much of ourselves, we're too invested in the well being of others, and in some way, shape, or form, we sort of start getting tossed in the wind. So as I'm looking at somebody who is a trauma survivor in the lens of Boundary Styles, Sometimes we've learned through trauma, whatever type of trauma that is, that our needs or our wants are not okay, that somehow our voice doesn't matter, our needs don't matter.
And when we look at correcting trauma, it is such a big deal. Big part of having that safety and stabilization prior to heading into some of that heavier lifting and trauma work. We need to make sure that as a trauma survivor, if you are trying to head into some version of trauma work as a precursor to that, Let's make sure you have appropriate boundary setting down.
We want to make sure that you're able to say yes, you're able to say no, and that you really do have a handle on what is an appropriate yes. And what is an appropriate no. So. Having a healthy relationship with our yes and our no will hopefully head us into this next boundary style. And the next boundary style we will be talking about is healthy boundaries.
So let's review healthy boundaries. Alright, so our last type of boundary that we're going to review is healthy boundaries. Now, healthy boundaries, as you probably have guessed, allow for certain people to come in. There's healthy vulnerability and letting us, other people join our life. But there's also some healthy letting our energy out.
Helping other people, serving other people, and really making that a priority in our relationships. So Healthy Boundaries lets some good out, block some of the bad going out, giving too much, and we block some of the bad coming towards us, too much expectation, too many demands of our time or attention, and we guard that.
We guard who does ask things of us. We say yes to some of the things asked to us, but not Everything that's asked of us. So healthy boundary styles are definitely ideal in relationships because they provide some definition for who we are and who we are in the context of another person. When we don't have healthy boundaries, what happens is we either are too isolated or we can become codependent or enmeshed because there is this lack of separation between me and the other.
Or too much separation between me and the other. And again, healthy boundaries really kind of help us to stay connected while maintaining our ability to be vulnerable. So I love those healthy boundaries. Kind of looking at some of the examples for that would be, um, if, if somebody asks something of you, you can say no.
And you can give a soft yes. So I always say a soft yes is no, I can't do it this weekend. How about next weekend or two weekends from now? So it's a soft, it's a soft no, because sometimes those who have trouble setting boundaries or being too rigid, it feels maybe too demanding to do it immediately for the rigid folks, maybe for the poorest folks, it might seem a little.
overwhelming to say no. So I always like to start with maybe soft no's. So we honor the no, but we also offer a different time that is a yes. And so that's one of the skills that we can use as we look at corrections. And an example of that healthy boundary setting would be using that skill in order for us to really kind of correct through either the porous or the rigid into that healthy.
Alright, so let's look at corrections for each of the two boundary styles that are a little bit less than ideal, especially as we're looking to step into those healthy boundaries.
So let's look at some of the corrections for the rigid folks. If you've identified you have a rigid boundary style, Beautiful, because this means that we will be able to work through your opportunities to be more vulnerable. We're not looking to foster dependence, but we are looking to foster what I would call interdependence.
So we're going to let some more of that vulnerability start peeking through. Maybe this takes the form. Of asking a friend to coffee of saying yes to something you might normally say no to. We really want to practice those times for intentional connection, intentional engagement, and intentional vulnerability.
And that vulnerability could also take the form of you actually asking for help, whether that be. Help to move, help through a problem, emotional support if you're going through something difficult. So there's a lot of different ways that rigid folks can start to let other people in. And then also, conversely, we want to make sure that you're offering enough help to those around you, because you might also see, see having needs as not only a burden to you, but When you start having needs, you might see those needs as a burden to others.
So we really want to make sure that there's again, as we're heading from rigid into healthy, ample opportunity for you to both receive help, give help, receive that vulnerability from others and give that vulnerability for others. We're trying to kind of open up those airways a little bit. In relationships.
So those are just a few examples of things that you can kind of start working on saying yes, more often asking for help, um, going out of your way to really foster those relationships. If you're interested in a book suggestion, there is a wonderful number of books available by Brene Brown on the power of vulnerability, the gift of vulnerability.
And I'll, I'll put those in the show notes. Or in the description box if you're on YouTube. And I think that book is going to be a beautiful resource for you to really begin fostering that vulnerability that's needed in relationships. Okay. So as we look at the corrections for those who have porous boundaries, We're going to look to bolster your separation a little bit more.
When I'm looking at porous folks and their boundary style being, you know, a little wishy washy, there's too much going out, too much coming in. It's just kind of feeling out of control. We really want to help that person feel okay with saying no, because honestly, when you are separate from someone else and when you can maintain your own boundaries outside of another person, believe it or not, you will actually set yourself up for more https: otter.
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Hard to wrap your head around, but when we are being porous in our boundary style, we're actually being a little bit inauthentic. We're not showing up with all of our needs. And in that way, we are not fostering the most healthy relationship that we can. could, because we're deleting ourself. We're muting ourself.
We're muting our needs. And as we look at fostering those healthy relationships, we don't want aggressive communicators where there's only room for one. We don't want passive communicators where there's only room for the other person's needs. No, we want that healthy, assertive communication. And as we look at those porous boundaries, I really want you to That in some way, porous boundaries actually make your relationships a bit more inauthentic because you're not showing up in the most full bodied, authentic way as you can, because you're muting Your needs.
So I just really wanted to bring that home because porous folks, even rigid folks, right? We, we want to feel loved. We want to feel connected. And if you want to feel loved, you want to feel connected. You have to be seen. You have to be authentic. You have to be vulnerable and your no's are your form of vulnerability.
It doesn't mean that you have to feel amazing setting them at first. Maybe part of your vulnerability, especially with close friends, is letting them know how difficult it is for you to say no, but also that this is the best way that they can help you grow. Fold that in there, you know? So I always say correcting boundary styles tends to be kind of fun because we just get to practice being creative.
Really, really, really radically honest in relationships. And it's the hardest thing, but it starts to get a little bit more fun and easy as we just really show up in a way that is so honest. Honesty equals authenticity. Just remember that. And if you're being as honest as you can in those relationships, you will find your way to authentic communication.
So I love that. I love that for you. If you have porous boundaries. This is your call to authentically show up for yourself and in relationship with others. All right. Well, thanks for listening in to today's show, which is brought to you by Audible. Audible has an incredible content library, including some amazing content on our very topic from today.
Boundaries, a book that we definitely suggest you check out is Boundaries by Henry Cloud. Audible is offering our listeners a free audio book with a 30 day trial membership. Just go to audibletrial. com forward slash the art of flourishing, download a title free and start listening. It is that easy folks.
Well I am so grateful that I have the opportunity to share about three different boundaries I'm going to be sharing some of my favorite body styles with you today. And if you found this content helpful, be sure to share it with somebody. That helps our content reach and help more people and so do reviews.
So if you have not yet reviewed or subscribed, we would love it. Be sure to do that now. All right. Well, we will plan to see you in two weeks on Monday at 8 AM. Thanks for listening. And as always, happy healing.
